every woman's love life is exactly the way she wants it.

it seems as though some people fall in love only to have their ego's shot down. Example A: a good friend of mine had dated a few guys. Most of the time she was the "man: in the relationship (yes, take a second to giggle). A very strong willed woman. She was a girl that most of us in the circle looked up to. After a few failed relationships, she started seeing this guy and found that she actually loved him. Not only did she love him, she was IN love with him (yes, there is a difference. once she started seeing this guy and realized he wasn't everything that she had hoped for, she blamed herself. She would feel bad about herself if he didn't recripcate in the way that she had hoped. He confidence went from 10 to zero. Resolute to defeat. Are our ego's just waiting to be shot down by love? Is that the beauty of love. Is vulnurablity beautiful?

My life is full of questions, sometimes i wonder how long it will take to find the answers. Will they just appear, or will i have to continue to stay awake at night pondering these things. Maybe one day i'll become tired of not sleeping.

Okay, I debated on weather or not to post regarding the following topic.

I'm sure everyone is aware of what has happened to Sherry Charlie. It is a horrible, disgusting truth that is a part of history. There is no getting rid of it, but the poor child needs to rest - she needs to rest in peace. I understand that the government is fucking stupid and screwed up royally. I hate the fucking goverment, and I hate what happpened to sherry. But I think the media needs to stop talking about the poor girl, and the family needs to grieve not in front of the camera, but in the comfort of their community. I feel i'm about to cross a line here, so i think it's high time that i stop tying. If i had more info on the whole situation i would feel more comfortable discussing it, but i don't so therefore... the end.

I told myself that I would blog as often as i could because i sort of find it theraputic. Anyway, it's midterm time and unfortuantely i have to study rather than pick my brain for something to share. So, rather than getting reading something cool written by me, read something cool written by someone cool. Her name is Emily and she's from Metric (www.ilovemetric.com). I absolutely love Metric, but more importantly i love these words and I wish they were my own. Here is it, i cheated, but at least I was honest:

"Empty"

There was no way out, the only way out was to give in
There was no way out, the only way out was to give in
How I love to give in

Here no one sleeps, one lays up while the other lies down
Where no one sleeps, one lays up while the other lies down
Ask the line on your face what the line on your hand meant
We couldn't see what was coming

Shake your head it's empty
Shake your hips move your feet
Shake your head it's empty
Shake your hips move your feet

I'm so glad that I'm an island now

Sickness was fixing me some
Coughed out my heart in the last stall
Now that the damage is done

I never miss it at all

Today's "Holiday."

So, today is the big day. for all of you airheads who don't know what today is, let me refresh your memory - it's Valentine's day. The hallmark holiday where single people have their esteem shot down, and where coupled people hope for their partner to do something special on the premise that it will erase all wrong-doings from the past. Which is worse, the former or the latter, you ask? Frankly, I don't know. They both suck. What i do know is that I am lodged right between the two. Consequently, isn't it obvious that in between is just as sucky? Hence, my reason for spending this evening immersed in my books at the college library.

My therapist used to tell me that I didn't tap into my emotioins as often as most people do. He figured I suffered because i couldn't express my negative feelings such as anger, resentment, pain, sadness, etc. Choices taught me that I am a "Great Pretender" in terms of showing the real me. I used to hide behind the mask of happiness. Therefore, here I am. This is the real, raw, truthful me. And, I am not going to pretend that I am okay with not getting flowers on this "holiday."

In all honesty, this is motivation. My anger is a catalyst to strive for better. Maybe if i stop wasting my time with that fucktard for an ex I wouldn't be so pissed off. Part of it is i just need to address what I am feeling, and if i want to be pissed off about today I shouldn't have to appologize for it. Well I wouldn't anyway to all of you who are excepting an appoligy.

What pisses me off the most are those people who pretend that being single on a day like today doesn't bother them. Don't lie, all of you singleton's out there are a little annoyed. If not about being single, then about this stupid excuse for a holiday. Yes, I am accusing you of being dishonest becuase if you can't admit that you don't like today, then you are a liar. And lying is a self-defeating game.

On a postitive note, I will probably ace my midterm tomorrow. yeah, that's right, i'm kick ass and you know it. you're just dying to be me aren't you?

Peace out. A-town down.